Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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