oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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