you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
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