I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
