I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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