Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
