I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
