i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Randomize
