I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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