3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
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