I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
