Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
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