I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
