My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
