woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
