he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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