3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
