Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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