Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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