Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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