Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
