Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
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