My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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