You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
