Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
