I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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