If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
