I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
