I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
