It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
