Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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