I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
