Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
