I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
