Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
