Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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