There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
