how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Randomize
