im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
The air taste purple.
Randomize
