It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
