I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
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