I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
