You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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