he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
