Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
