I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
She even gives head with a lisp.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
