Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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