fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I love you. Go after that dick
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
