Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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