he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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