U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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