So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I got inside last night via doggy door
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
