I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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