Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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