He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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